hope

i hope this time nobody see this post, i just want to share what i'm feeling, i dont allowed people know what inside my heart.............

now, everything changed, everyone changed, too much problem come and come and i must face that, and too much thing i must fix, its too hard for me because it come in the same time, when i'm really down like this, and all of that problem make my mental going down and down...... i miss the past, i miss my 'old' me, a lot of people said that i'm changed, yes, i agree with them, now i'm becoming a quite person, always keep what i'm feeling inside, and always crying because my uselessness...... dad, i miss the old you, a father who really care to me and everynight always come to my room and check i already sleep or not, not a dad who always blame and angry to me, and shout a deep words, i'm ghina dad, not my brother, we're different, dont look me from my score, but look at the way i am :'( mom, i dont want we always fight and fight like this, i love both of you, but your deep words really hurt me badly :'( now i really feel lonely, at night i always come to my brother room to sleep with him because i'm lonely.. i must study hard because my score drop really down......... i cannot consentrate and focus, i'm thinking about one person, a person i love..... like where is he? is he already study or not? is he can smile and laugh? is he already find another or not? is he happy with his condition now? i know i'm nothing, i just want to support him, the time which i can meet him is only like 3-4 month before he move.... afterthat, we cannot meet each other anymore. like you said before, yeah its hurt my self badly but i prefer hurt and i can see your smile, your happiness, i dont know what you feel about me, maybe you angry and annoyed with me but....... i accept that :') i really thanks to god i still can meet you, you still know what's new in me like my ponny haha small things but means big for me. i deactive my twitter because didnt want to see your timeline, but what? i still do that -.- stupid me, and when i read it, i smile, i think you've already find another, i dont know that tweet for who, but i hope you're happy and wish your target is good enough for you, so she didnt hurt you :') i really want to greet her and told to not hurt you. truthly, its hurt, i know someday i must 'ikhlas' its hard but i must try...... idk my fb account was error or not but did you blocked me? if its yes, its okay, no problem. its my first time to be like this, i always pray for you happiness, idk what happen next, what i can do is watching you from a far way, wish for your happiness and i'm purely want to help your score better. no one know what inside my heart until its unlock. time goes on, i cannot tell anyone, i already know what they will say if i tell them, now i'm alone, always keep alone and tears always falling down until my eyes was hurt -.- i just dont want to make all of my friends worried, i know they all have a lot of problem too, so i dont want to make more, i'm alone, now i'm really easy to sick, and really easy to crying, i dont want to angry to everyone, i just keep my anger inside my heart and then crying, i just dont want to make them hurt..... now i dont have power, i'm not a strong person, i'm tired, really really tired :( nobody know how deep is my hurt. i need someone to lean on, but who? i just can keep quite for all of my problem and at least, patient.........................................

letter to you

so now i know where my position in your heart, thanks for your kindness for didnt want to hurt me, i appreciate that, you're kind, really, i feel warm when i still with you, you're the best boyfriend i ever had, its the first time i feel i loved by someone, eventhough you more young than me you give me a deep memories in my hearts although only 2 month :') i know life must be go on, nothing can be forever, maybe i'm too much, but i really love you from my heart, i want to take care of you, i want to barrier you, i still want to be with you, but................................. its only my ego, i cant do anything, i dont want to treatened you, i must give you a freedom. fyi, when i write this, i'm crying haha... i want to show you that i'm strong but what? i'm crying again -,- i'll try my best to be stronger again, sorry for disturbing you for 2 month, i'll keep our memories warmly in my heart, i wont forget you, stupid me to hope we can be like before, i still love you, more and more but maybe its time for me to pass you away, to someone heart, maybe................ haha truthly, i'm always looking for your facebook profile and idk why i always felt jealous.... i always looking for you, waiting for you, but when i know your words 'i dont want to hurt her' serously, my hope flew away.............. i dont know where my hope goes by, thanks for everything and your kindness.. for last, i love you m.luqman budhi prasetya :') please, searching a good girl and improve your score for me too.... i only want to seeing you happy. idk what to do, because its my first time really in love with someone, not 'want to keep someone for us', maybe i must try my best to search another boy, but now i cant :'( only you in my mind, and i know you want to move to another school, it means we can be apart, cannot seeing each other, when first i know that, i really want to ask to you to dont move, remember your promise? but at least, no words can off from my mouth, its your choice, i'll miss you, take care kiddo, me love you.......:') ----> 111209 - 220210♥