down down down~

long time no post hehe hello everyone :) well, i'm a little bit down now

. hemmmm lemme tell you what happen to me lately.

1. finally i'm in a relationship te-hee :D with my friends brother, he's really nice, kind, mature, care etc. this is the first time i have a relationship with someone with different age (at first i'm scared haha) now i really thanks to god that i find him. to tell you the truth, this type of boy is rare O.O seriously, i'm not joking ahahaha i'll try my best to keep this relationship :) ps : he was really patient with me ckckck

2. i went to my hometown, Bondowoso last week. it's nice to meet all of your family at Ied Fitri hehe btw there is an unexpected occurrence, my uncle was died precisely at the time of Eid :( anyway, sorry if i had mistake with you guys, let's reborn as the new person :)

3. i attend korean audition, the first is NEGA ent (BEG) at sultan hotel and yesterday SM ent (SUJU) via online audition. stupid me, i'm late sending the videos and the form.... :'( next 23, there are some audition again but...i dont have any strength to try again T.T and now i feel traumatic, even................. i think i'm sick of korean things huhu :'( idk what i must do, a lot of people is support and begging me but i just need my own time -,-

4. holiday is over today andschools start tomorrow! well, i hope i can be more diligent and study hard. seriously, idk where i must go after high school. i'm sick thinking and wondering about univ and college majors i must choose :( i.... dont know and i dont think i have skill to do this huhuhu :c

5. SICK! omg, all member of my family except my mom is getting sick right now --" i have spot in all my body, my brother is campak and my dad got fever. they must do blood test T.T hu i cant sleep with my brother then -,- lets hope we can recover quickly hehe :D

well, when i'm upset, down etc, i just need my own time, to think, to hear a song, to makes myself happy. just that hahaha. but sometimes, i just online, seeing picture in tumblr, watching korean video, reading comics and else. just simle things to make my mood come back -,- ah! i really want to say thanks to my Bf because of him i can be happy again ehe kansahamnida *bow. these is some picture i found in tumblr, enjoy!

finally

These are some pictures that I found which might represent my feelings right now

yes, the new school year, new beginnings, everything new, I opened my eyes, into a new world and eventually found a bright spot in my new world. no more sad song no more tears fall down. i was the new me

I sometimes feel that feeling. I do not lie to my own feelings. I still love you. but I'm just trying to open a new leaf of my life. not forget you, i still cant but i'll try to become better people. I'll try to keep my eyes to not look for you anymore.................

I'm still looking for a man who will truly love myself because who i am. I do not know how long it will take some time because it is very difficult nowadays to find men who are really good. I'm not ready for a new commitment. I do not want to have a relationship that only kidding

I am a person who does not easily forget the memories. I really hate ending. I know, nothing is forever. but why people so easily forget something that previously was our beloved? frankly, I would cry because of the separation. as much as possible I will always maintain that memory, the memory still lives within us. and I will never forget the memories are precious to me

and now I'm free. no one rein me. although there is a burden, but I really feel free. no more fear of losing a boyfriend, jealous, and others. I want to do whatever I liked. for me, now there's only family and close friends. they will not betrayed me. thanks for being something worthwhile in my life, without you, i'm nothing

now I have found my true self, how my nature, how my goals, how the motto of my life, and whom are the people who really loved me. I'm childish, I'm whiny, I easily get angry, but that's me. I'm me. however myself, I love myself as is. thank you to all who have loved me like this. I love you

although I do not know where I need this turned my feet where, all I could do right now continues to run ahead, to face tomorrow to come. whether good or bad things will happen, I can only deal with it, no time to hide and avoid the problem. I hope I can find happiness in the future. wish me luck

ohya, i find a song which related with my condition right now too :

This Is Me – Demi Lovato (Camp Rock OST)

I’ve always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I’ve got to say
But I have this dream
Right inside of me
I’m gonna let it show, it’s time
To let you know
To let you know

This is real, this is me
I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I’ve found, who I am
There’s no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

Do you know what it’s like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you’re the shining star
Even though it seems
Like it’s too far away
I have to believe in myself
It’s the only way

This is real, This is me
I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I’ve found, who I am
There’s no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

You’re the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I’m singing
I need to find you, I gotta find you
You’re the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you, I gotta find you

This is real, this is me
I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, now
Gonna let the light, shine on me
Now I’ve found, who I am
There’s no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
You’re the missing piece I need
The song inside of me (this is me)
You’re the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I’m singing
Now I’ve found, who I am
There’s no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me

i really love this song, idk why............ maybe IT'S ME :')

did boys think like this when broke up?

I don't want to have to see you happy.
I can't even bare to see you smile.
Now-a-days I can't look in your eyes &...
Well I can but it takes a while
¯If you're strong?
Told a lot of white lies to hide it all.
But they're beginning to break me down,
Though I promise it's over now.

I'm gone.
I don't blame you at all.
'Cause after all the things that you did for me
Got beaten by temptation
I'm gone.
Girl you're better off alone.
I don't want you to see, the truth in me.

Try my best to keep it all together.
Tryna take it back to where we were.
Never been to good at keeping secrets,
Give you reasons but for what it's worth
Lemme go.
What the hell would make you look at me the same?
Used to say "We're unbrakeable."
But I just went & changed it all.

If I told you?
Could you live with that?
If I told you?
Could you live with that?
If I told you,
I couldn't live with that! I couldn't live with that!
Noooo!
I'd rather give you no excuses at all.

I'm gone.
I don't blame you at all.
'Cause after all the things that you did for me
Got beaten by temptation
I'm gone.
Girl you're better off alone.
I don't want you to see, the truth in me.

You gave everything & honestly it's every fault of mine.
To beg you for forgiveness just seems wrong.
See, leaving you is one thing
But you've got to realize:
Some things are best unspoken
So please don't ask me why!

Oh, you don't want to know
Oh, woah

I'm gone.
I don't blame you at all.
'Cause after all the things that you did for me
Got beaten by temptation
I'm gone.
Girl you're better off alone.
I don't want you to see, the truth in me.

Jay sean - i'm gone

hope

i hope this time nobody see this post, i just want to share what i'm feeling, i dont allowed people know what inside my heart.............

now, everything changed, everyone changed, too much problem come and come and i must face that, and too much thing i must fix, its too hard for me because it come in the same time, when i'm really down like this, and all of that problem make my mental going down and down...... i miss the past, i miss my 'old' me, a lot of people said that i'm changed, yes, i agree with them, now i'm becoming a quite person, always keep what i'm feeling inside, and always crying because my uselessness...... dad, i miss the old you, a father who really care to me and everynight always come to my room and check i already sleep or not, not a dad who always blame and angry to me, and shout a deep words, i'm ghina dad, not my brother, we're different, dont look me from my score, but look at the way i am :'( mom, i dont want we always fight and fight like this, i love both of you, but your deep words really hurt me badly :'( now i really feel lonely, at night i always come to my brother room to sleep with him because i'm lonely.. i must study hard because my score drop really down......... i cannot consentrate and focus, i'm thinking about one person, a person i love..... like where is he? is he already study or not? is he can smile and laugh? is he already find another or not? is he happy with his condition now? i know i'm nothing, i just want to support him, the time which i can meet him is only like 3-4 month before he move.... afterthat, we cannot meet each other anymore. like you said before, yeah its hurt my self badly but i prefer hurt and i can see your smile, your happiness, i dont know what you feel about me, maybe you angry and annoyed with me but....... i accept that :') i really thanks to god i still can meet you, you still know what's new in me like my ponny haha small things but means big for me. i deactive my twitter because didnt want to see your timeline, but what? i still do that -.- stupid me, and when i read it, i smile, i think you've already find another, i dont know that tweet for who, but i hope you're happy and wish your target is good enough for you, so she didnt hurt you :') i really want to greet her and told to not hurt you. truthly, its hurt, i know someday i must 'ikhlas' its hard but i must try...... idk my fb account was error or not but did you blocked me? if its yes, its okay, no problem. its my first time to be like this, i always pray for you happiness, idk what happen next, what i can do is watching you from a far way, wish for your happiness and i'm purely want to help your score better. no one know what inside my heart until its unlock. time goes on, i cannot tell anyone, i already know what they will say if i tell them, now i'm alone, always keep alone and tears always falling down until my eyes was hurt -.- i just dont want to make all of my friends worried, i know they all have a lot of problem too, so i dont want to make more, i'm alone, now i'm really easy to sick, and really easy to crying, i dont want to angry to everyone, i just keep my anger inside my heart and then crying, i just dont want to make them hurt..... now i dont have power, i'm not a strong person, i'm tired, really really tired :( nobody know how deep is my hurt. i need someone to lean on, but who? i just can keep quite for all of my problem and at least, patient.........................................

letter to you

so now i know where my position in your heart, thanks for your kindness for didnt want to hurt me, i appreciate that, you're kind, really, i feel warm when i still with you, you're the best boyfriend i ever had, its the first time i feel i loved by someone, eventhough you more young than me you give me a deep memories in my hearts although only 2 month :') i know life must be go on, nothing can be forever, maybe i'm too much, but i really love you from my heart, i want to take care of you, i want to barrier you, i still want to be with you, but................................. its only my ego, i cant do anything, i dont want to treatened you, i must give you a freedom. fyi, when i write this, i'm crying haha... i want to show you that i'm strong but what? i'm crying again -,- i'll try my best to be stronger again, sorry for disturbing you for 2 month, i'll keep our memories warmly in my heart, i wont forget you, stupid me to hope we can be like before, i still love you, more and more but maybe its time for me to pass you away, to someone heart, maybe................ haha truthly, i'm always looking for your facebook profile and idk why i always felt jealous.... i always looking for you, waiting for you, but when i know your words 'i dont want to hurt her' serously, my hope flew away.............. i dont know where my hope goes by, thanks for everything and your kindness.. for last, i love you m.luqman budhi prasetya :') please, searching a good girl and improve your score for me too.... i only want to seeing you happy. idk what to do, because its my first time really in love with someone, not 'want to keep someone for us', maybe i must try my best to search another boy, but now i cant :'( only you in my mind, and i know you want to move to another school, it means we can be apart, cannot seeing each other, when first i know that, i really want to ask to you to dont move, remember your promise? but at least, no words can off from my mouth, its your choice, i'll miss you, take care kiddo, me love you.......:') ----> 111209 - 220210♥

song at the moment

Vanilla Twilight lyrics
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

curcol -,-

have you ever had an experience small things becoming big or maybe giant? or maybe small problem but the the time to solve that is too long? or hmmmmmmm you have a bad day and want to tell someone precious for you for sharing but the answer is didnt match with your feeling and after that you have an argument and the time to solve that problem eventhough both of them already appologize each other is too long? all i can do only crying, if i can wish to god, i want my tears was dry so i cant crying in front of you and i dont disturbing you. i didnt know your problem and i want to know, i want to help you, maybe i'm useless but i want to try my best to help you, in every aspect. sigh, i'm like zombie haha waiting for your message always waiting, didnt want to eat, asking your friends you already go home or not haha you can say i'm too much, but i only worried about you, all i can do now is waiting until your problem is solved and waiting for you to tell me what happended, idk what i can do for you, but if you need me, just ask, i'll be there for you. for last, i really miss you, i want to said this to you : do you miss me? haha stupid me to hope you will read this :p okay now i must go back to my f*cking karya tulis karena besok sidang jengjengjeng tegang banget sumpah, ini lebih susah dibanding keliatannya, wish me luck my little kiddo :) *i miss someone who always pinch my cheek hahahaha